please come you make the beer taste better
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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