is your mom at the bar?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
