hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
