do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
