I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
