Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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