The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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