Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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