you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
