I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
