a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
