her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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