Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
