i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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