I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
