he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
