I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
