You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
