Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
