We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
