I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
