he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
