if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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