Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
