Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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