I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
