Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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