you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
