I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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