Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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