In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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