1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Too much gin, very little bucket
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
