new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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