dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
