No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
