So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
