i will never coherently bang her
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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