Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
