I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
