Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize