who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
