apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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