Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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