Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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