I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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