My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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