i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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