trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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