You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
