at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
