Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
