I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
