how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize