The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
